Does this ever cross your mind? Of course there are some lucky people in the chaotic and messy world of divorce who can either be civil to each other or due to some sort of miracle, remain friends. Is there some sort of manual I'm not aware of or better yet, a psychological exercise you perform on your ex-partner to obtain those results? I must have missed divorce classes or something. Why even after getting remarried and supposedly "moving on" do some ex's, male or female, hold a grudge for years and years? When children are involved, it's not just the ex who uses them as pawns but an organization which for parents who are unfortunate enough to cross them. They're as hell and impossible to get rid of. I think you know who and what I'm talking about. That's right, I can't mention their name but no one said I can't make up my own. Anyway, a story I know all to well is a long one, however I will try and keep my ramblings to a minimum, if possible.

Once upon a time...just kidding. There's a family I know, a single mom and her kids. She lived in another city in a house with her boyfriend, her kids and a job. She was in the process of looking for another place, a place near her kids school when her ex husband called. Acting like a knight in shining armor, he seemed to have the answers. He wanted her to move to the same town where he and his "dashing wife" lived so he could "spend more time with the kids." Well, despite his lying nature, she blindly accepted thinking it would be in the best interest of her kids. She dropped EVERYTHING. She had broken up with her boyfriend, quit her job and changed the kid's school. Needless to say, I wouldn't be writing this unless it all went horribly wrong. First off, the place he found her was small, literally right beside the highway and wasn't near ANYTHING. It would take about 35 minutes (if you're  a fast walker) to anything, any store, any food establishment, anything. 

After deciding to "suck it up", she moved in. After she had moved in, that's when that "knight in shining armor" turned into "Hitler" (without the killing and smarts of course). He had been thousands of dollars behind in child support and spousal support and had promised her he'd pay her something every week. He even told her he had made that promise to "The Family Responsibility Office." Obviously being without those wits, he didn't think that all she had to do was pick up the phone and learn the truth. She learned it all right, he was lying. They had told her he never made such an agreement with them. Her heart sank even though she was well aware of the chance that he was being deceptive. After years of deception and bald face lying, she had this gut feeling he was leading her on. She begged him to pay FRO because she had spent all the money she had in moving. She had to "suck it up" again and go to the food bank, driven by someone who worked for The Others. They were of course still involved because her ex had told them to keep an eye on her because of her financial issues. Well of course she had financial issues, he made sure of that. After about a month after moving, no matter how many interviews she went to she could not for the life of her find a job that wasn't purely commission based. Who wants a job where you work for 11 hours a day and you may or may not get paid? I sure as hell don't. 

After all the issues her ex was causing her, financially, emotionally and mentally she had reached her breaking point. One night when her kids were at their dad's for the weekend, she broke down. She had a history of depression, insomnia and severe anxiety. She was so broke, she couldn't afford her medications but her kids had food and everything they needed. That's all she could ever want was that her kids were not going without, even if she had to. She was unable to take anymore of wondering if she could get food the next month or pay rent. Like I said, she reached her breaking point. One Saturday night, she started to cry and cry and cry. She couldn't stop. She went to the hospital and after a few hours they let  her go. They, meaning the hospital and The Others, had thought in order for her to do this, she must be on drugs. She wasn't. She had a nervous breakdown. Thanks to the ex. She was a wonderful, caring mother who would do anything for her kids, but that didn't matter to anyone now. She started hating herself, wishing she could've handled the situation better. The next day, her ex refused to return the kids because the hospital had called him and told him that she "tried to commit suicide" which simply wasn't the case. She called the police. With her dumb luck, it was one of the same officers who had talked to her the night before and knowing what she had done, the officer decided it was best for the ex to keep the kids until a person from The Others had spoken to her. Well, he did and  had promised that if she let the kids stay an extra night, they'd be home the next day. To her dismay, someone else, the person who had been meeting with her had shown up at her door. Knowing how good of a mother she was, and working with "them" for only a month, she handed over a "Child Apprehension" court paper. She cried and cried and cried again. She asked the woman, "why does it say that I will hurt my kids and I'm a threat?" The woman responded by saying, "My supervisor (whom had never met the mother) said that's the one (out of many options) I was to choose" The woman, without a care in the world, got up and left with nothing else said. Not from the woman anyway, the mother reamed her out between tears. 

So, she had realized she had moved there under false pretense. Her ex had realized that she had to live there in order for him to apprehend the kids and not have to drive an hour for court. In the present, she has done everything "The Others" had told her to do, plus some. They had put in the court papers as the reason for apprehension was something like she "was a threat to her children and there was probable cause to believe that she would harm the children." This of course was not true at all. In the papers they had even used the fact that she had to go to the "food bank" against her. Her ex had gotten her oldest child to hate her and not want to go home by bribing him. Her youngest just does what he's told. She hadn't seen her oldest in months because he refuses. She is now put in the VERY uncomfortable position of seeing her youngest at a boring center with people following them wherever they go. They both hate it. She isn't allowed to talk to her kids about what happened. Basically, she's not allowed to tell them the truth. They have to go by what their father, his wife and The Others says. How fair is that? If you're thinking what I'm thinking, not very, not very fair at all. This has become a completely one sided case and believe me, it's not her side that's being told. If she opens her mouth, she doesn't get her kids back. The sad thing (well, there's many) about all this is their father had planned to do this all along. She unwittingly gave him a helping hand. He did this so he wouldn't have to pay child support. He was supposed still pay spousal support but refuses to pay that either. The only people she has backing her is the Family Responsibility Office (FRO). They will, well eventually, recover the money that is owed to her and her kids. As we speak, months later (that's the family justice system for you) she is still fighting for her kids. She will never give up, NEVER.

A great mother willing to sacrifice for her kids. The only words out of her ex's mouth were lies. No one willing to help her as she gave up everything she had to make her kids and her ex happy only to be thrown to the wolves by everyone who were supposedly there to help. How it should've went was she receive the help she needed with her kids still in her care. Life isn't fair but this is ridiculous. The minute the word "depression" pops up, even if they're on medication, they think your parenting skills are impaired. They think that you're automatically going to hurt your kids and commit suicide, no matter what you say and the reassurance you give. No matter if the ex has a history of being neglectful, has hit the children and all this known and documented, no one wants to hear it or take the time and look up the records. Why do single parents, no matter how great they are, seem to be labelled? Is this fair? 

My suggestions, assuming unsolicited advice is accepted. Oh wait, it's my blog, I can say what I want...just kidding :) My suggestions for others in this situation or similar to it are as follows; document EVERYTHING, no matter how insignificant you think it may be it will prove to be useful, I promise you that; be very careful what you say or do to anyone, especially to your ex and The Others, it will come back and haunt you; be very careful who you ask for help, make sure that what you say remains confidential and they are a professional for eg. a psychiatrist or counselor; don't try and rebel against who apprehends you child(ren) especially verbally, they will make your life and getting your child(ren) back a living nightmare; if you deal with FRO, keep on them so that they will keep on the father to pay child support and/or spousal support; if you're on medication for anything especially depression, there are organizations (you should ask your counselor how to find them) that will help you to prevent running out of your meds; probably the most important, OBTAIN A LAWYER as soon as possible and while you're looking for one, make sure they are compatible and will fight for you. You must do extensive research when looking for a good lawyer. This is a must, otherwise you'll be stuck with a lawyer you have to constantly push to do anything. A lawyer who barely opens their mouth in court or during an interview is not the lawyer you want, especially where kids are involved; during the entire time your kids are gone, document everything they say, their demeanor and every visit; do not engage in any communication with their father during this process. Anything you say or even how you sound will be used against you; be very careful what you say to your kids, you can and should ask questions but you don't want to come off as if you're "drilling" them; if one or more of your kids just plainly doesn't want to see you, don't push it. They'll come around eventually when the novelty of getting and doing what they want changes and wears off; no matter how hurtful it is, do everything your lawyer says, even if it includes not making contact with your kids. This will be hard, but your lawyer wouldn't tell you this unless it was important and necessary; give your lawyer everything you've documented, the past, the present and concerns, even if it's 20 pages, your lawyer needs as much to work with as possible; NEVER miss a court date even if you feel like you're on your death bed. This can only go bad for you, plus you don't want your lawyer to drop you as a client especially if he/she is really good and respected; always dress for court like you're going to church. You need to look good, tasteful and respectful. It looks bad on you if you show up in ripped jeans and a t-shirt. They see it as disrespectful to the court and the judge. It looks like you don't care and don't want to fight for yourself and your kids; always be respectful when asked a question and for goodness sake get rid of the ummms and awwws. This looks like you are lying and trying to think of something good to say. 

These suggestions I know are lengthy but they are also very, very important. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. The story I have written here is missing some things. I left what I thought was unimportant out, otherwise I may as well be writing a book for free. I hope this story can help even one person, otherwise I wrote this for nothing. To anyone who reads this and can relate, my blessings are with you. I wish I could say it will get better but each case is different and it would be irresponsible of me as a blogger who writes only the truth. All I can add is keep fighting. That's all you can do, especially with your hands tied. Keep your head up and believe in yourself and your cause. Never ever give up!